1. Don’t pay for therapy. Stress management that costs that much and doesn’t involve a beach house and a hot tub is counterproductive.
2. Do exercise. Vigorously. Every day. Then you’ll be too tired to choke the living s*** out of all the idiots you have to share the planet with.
3. Don’t turn on the news. Just because the world is going to hell in a bucket, doesn’t mean you have to watch.
4. Do have furry pets. (Not hamsters, though. Hamsters are little balls of evil with teeth. And it’s hard to reduce your stress while you’re bleeding.)
5. Don’t drive. Ever. Sharing a road with maniacs who speed, tailgate, weave through traffic, or honk at you for stopping for the school bus in front of you (true story) all while talking on a cell phone will do nothing but make you fantasize about choking people again.
6. Do spend as much time as possible outside. Away from people. That part’s important. Away from people and by the ocean is ideal.
7. Do lighten up. If you don’t have a pirate hat or a puka shell necklace, buy one now.
8. Don’t open your kids’ progress reports. If you feel obligated to see it, be sure to have a couple of cocktails first. (Points for style if you put little umbrellas in the drinks.)
9. Do listen to Jimmy Buffett. The man is a master of stress reduction. And he sings too.
10. Don’t go to dentists. They are harbingers of pain and misery and they own tiny drills. Not a good combination.
11. Do read funny books. It’s hard to be stressed when you’re laughing.*
12. Don’t teach your teenager how to drive. You’ll be doing him a favor, because bracing your feet on the dash board and screaming every time he steps on the gas won’t do much to improve his skills or build his confidence.
13. Don’t allow your children to make any major life decision on their own until they are at least 25. Add 5 years for boys.
14. Do watch The Big Bang Theory. Sheldon is the funniest character ever written for TV. Watch it if you haven’t already. You’ll see.
15. Don’t go anywhere you may have to stand in line. A little known corollary of Murphy’s Law dictates that the person directly behind you will either be a bitter old lady who will bump you in the butt with her cart until the line moves or a large sweaty man in a dirty t-shirt who has no concept of personal space.
16. Do eat mint chocolate chip ice cream. (But send someone else to the grocery store to buy it.)
17. Don’t talk politics with friends (that you want to keep) or family. I think every American kid knows this one by the time they’re old enough to join an adult conversation, but it’s good to review the basics.
18. Do throw away the To-do List. (Ya’ll know why.)

*My favorite funny authors: Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, Tom Holt, Christopher Moore, Janet Evanovich, Bill Bryson, David Sedaris.