- Don’t pay for therapy. Stress management that costs that much and doesn’t involve a beach house and a hot tub is counterproductive.
- Do exercise. Vigorously. Every day. Then you’ll be too tired to choke the living s*** out of all the idiots you have to share the planet with.
- Don’t turn on the news. Just because the world is going to hell in a bucket, doesn’t mean you have to watch.
- Do have furry pets. (Not hamsters, though. Hamsters are little balls of evil with teeth. And it’s hard to reduce your stress while you’re bleeding.)
- Don’t drive. Ever. Sharing a road with maniacs who speed, tailgate, weave through traffic, or honk at you for stopping for the school bus in front of you (true story) all while talking on a cell phone will do nothing but make you fantasize about choking people again.
- Do spend as much time as possible outside. Away from people. That part’s important. Away from people and by the ocean is ideal.
- Do lighten up. If you don’t have a pirate hat or a puka shell necklace, buy one now.
- Don’t open your kids’ progress reports. If you feel obligated to see it, be sure to have a couple of cocktails first. (Points for style if you put little umbrellas in the drinks.)
- Do listen to Jimmy Buffett. The man is a master of stress reduction. And he sings too.
- Don’t go to dentists. They are harbingers of pain and misery and they own tiny drills. Not a good combination.
- Do read funny books. It’s hard to be stressed when you’re laughing.*
- Don’t teach your teenager how to drive. You’ll be doing him a favor, because bracing your feet on the dash board and screaming every time he steps on the gas won’t do much to improve his skills or build his confidence.
- Don’t allow your children to make any major life decision on their own until they are at least 25. Add 5 years for boys.
- Do watch The Big Bang Theory. Sheldon is the funniest character ever written for TV. Watch it if you haven’t already. You’ll see.
- Don’t go anywhere you may have to stand in line. A little known corollary of Murphy’s Law dictates that the person directly behind you will either be a bitter old lady who will bump you in the butt with her cart until the line moves or a large sweaty man in a dirty t-shirt who has no concept of personal space.
- Do eat mint chocolate chip ice cream. (But send someone else to the grocery store to buy it.)
- Don’t talk politics with friends (that you want to keep) or family. I think every American kid knows this one by the time they’re old enough to join an adult conversation, but it’s good to review the basics.
- Do throw away the To-do List. (Ya’ll know why.)
All posts tagged Big Bang Theory
Posted by Fork in My Eye on March 23, 2012